The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize