guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
