she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
