I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
