You're a womanizer and a bitch.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Randomize
