I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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