I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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