if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize