I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
