considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
