I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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