It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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