Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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