I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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