My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
