ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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