You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
