why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
