i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize