My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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