god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
