She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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