she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize