I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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