I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
