Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
