His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
