The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
