I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize