I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
