Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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