Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
