Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm way too hungover for life right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
