if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
