yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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