i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
