Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize