there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
