I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
