Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
