nut hugger
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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