Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
