I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
