That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
