She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
