My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
