What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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