Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
