I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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