We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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