He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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