like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
