I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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