Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
