My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
