I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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