I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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