Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Just cropdusted the office
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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