6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
