i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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