I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
