One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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