She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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