So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
